This is the fourth and final post of a four-part series based on the message about friendships that I shared in chapel at Grove City College on February 9, part of the college's Focus Week on relationships. To listen to the complete message, click here. If you've missed the other three posts in this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
There are lots of great tips out there for how to be a friend! As I was preparing to share with the students of Grove City College, the Lord brought these three things to mind. They certainly aren't a magical formula or an exhaustive list, but they are a starting point for developing genuine friendship and modeling Christ in our relationships.
1. Allow God to use you as a "wounded healer."
This idea comes from Henri Nouwen, who writes, "The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there." This can apply to friendship, too, as we allow God to use our past challenges for His redemptive purposes. The idea is not to impose our experiences on others as if we can somehow fix them, but rather to "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).
Last April, one of my college friends died in a tragic car accident. I can attest to the fact that grief strengthens bonds in inexpressible ways. In a sacred moment amidst the tragedy, God miraculously provided for the other nine of us to gather on Skype from Cameroon to Seattle, Washington, to sit in shock, to remind each other of truth, and to pray together.
Just a few weeks ago, one of those friends had the opportunity to be a wounded healer. The husband of her mentor died suddenly of a heart attack. She expressed to me that, in the midst of the grief and pain of this time, she was able to connect with her mentor in a new way because of her own mourning and loss last spring. I believe that this is not only part of Erica's legacy, but even more, God's redemption. He says, "Yes, I can use even this. I know your loss, and I have been your Comforter. Now, show My comfort and love to your friend."
When others are struggling and we're tempted to take a few steps back, to give them their space and let them "get back to normal," let's choose instead to take steps forward and see how the Spirit wants to use our brokenness as a blessing.
2. Enter into their world.
Physically going to the places that are important to our friends can be incredibly meaningful! It was a huge gift to have several friends come to Germany while I was teaching there. They got to see some touristy European sites, but they also joined my English class and went grocery shopping with me - they entered into my daily life. Hospitality is a mutual blessing; give each other opportunities to extend this gift, and it will be an eye-opening encounter for you both. You will be able to understand your friend's fears, frustrations, and priorities in a whole new way.
And if you can't physically go to their world, you can still enter in by listening to their stories and learning about what's important to them! Telling stories about our hometowns and growing-up experiences can help us to understand each other better even if we have not lived those years together.
One Christmas break, my roommate and I traveled to Edinburgh, Scotland, for a few days. Before we had even arrived at our hotel, we both were feeling sick with a stomach bug. As we attempted to redeem the day, I remembered that I had loaded all of my childhood home videos onto my computer. Needless to say, Brittany entered into my world in a whole new way on that trip! No, not everyone has to be the friend who watches your home videos with you! But, I invite you to lean into knowing your friends on a new level by asking good questions and caring about the answers.
And along with this, can I encourage you to let others into your world? If we build up walls of protection against vulnerability, we are really shielding ourselves from the potential of deep relationships.
3. Keep your eyes open for opportunities to be a friend.
As I was preparing to share in Grove City College's chapel, I asked my grandma about her experiences with friendships over the years. She told me that her daily prayer is this: "Lord, open my eyes to see who You would give me today to befriend." He's asking us to look up, look around, and listen for His prompting. Let's not miss whom He is putting in our paths: Will we have eyes to see?
"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:1-3)
How have you been impacted by friends who have taken these tips to heart?
What advice would you add to this list?
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